It Was Worth the Wait

I sit here one day out from top surgery and yes, my chest is sore, yes my body is still waking up from anesthesia, but you know what else? Last night, when they took off my surgical binder for the first time to check my incisions, I looked down and for the first time in my entire 27 years of life I felt…comfortable in my own skin.

I cannot adequately express how fundamentally foreign I have always felt in my own body. I have navigated the world feeling an innate disconnect from who I felt I was inside and who the outside world saw me as. Over time I learned why that was and discovered other people felt the same way and have gradually taken steps to correct it. I fought my internalized transphobia to come out and be out loudly, despite so many powerful people in the world trying to erase my existence. I have been on testosterone for almost two years and have waited seven to be able to have this surgery and through all the times I felt I would drown in the dysphoria that overcame me every time I had to wear a sports bra or a binder so that I could wear a tank top or fitted shirt and not have bumps proclaiming to the world what I was born as, I told myself one day…one day they’d be gone. One day I’d be able to wear a tank top without worrying if others could see the binder through the low cut sleeves and know. One day I’d be able to go to the lake or the beach or the pool and be shirtless like all the other guys. I’d feel the sun on my skin (or let’s be real, sunburn since I’m painfully pale 😂) or the water rush over my chest as I jumped in with my nephews. One day I’d be able to have someone take my shirt off in an intimate moment and not want to hide because I knew what was there and even if they were well-intentioned, they’d see and touch them and I’d be reminded all over again that I was different.

That day is finally here and I didn’t realize how much I needed this until I could finally look down and see a more masculine chest. It feels like I can finally take a full breath. The tension I have always carried in my shoulders has vanished. When the soreness disappears, I will stand up straighter. When I can stop wearing the surgical binder, I will feel shirts on my chest as I always imagined I wanted and I’m just...I’m so grateful.

I feel so incredibly lucky that I could make this dream a reality and every dark moment I thought there wasn’t a point in going on anymore because I’d never get to live as my authentic self was worth it because it got me here. It got me to this moment and to every moment I will have after this. I’m just so…happy ☺️